It is not unusual to find yourself feeling chaotic in the kundalini process, and to find those who advise you giving guidance that only makes things worse. As you describe what is happening to you energetically, emotionally, and psychically most people can only apply their personal paradigm – a perspective based on their own experience or reading about someone else. They may try to fit you into a personal theory as positive as being influenced by divine intervention, or as threatening as demonic and discarnate entities. They might project that your experiences are due to mental illness or past mistakes, or tell you to become a follower of someone who will take control of your life. They may prescribe medication, offer “clearings”, or suggest practices that intensify the energy.
Even when well-intended, some people will have a perspective that is more frightening than healing. You must learn to stand in your own authority, listening to your own Truth, choosing how to care for yourself in the way most congruent for your unique needs.
Unfortunately the awakening of kundalini energy is still uncommon enough that there is no western paradigm to describe it, and the eastern science of it is complex and obscure, and usually poorly interpreted by those who have not lived through it.
It is not well understood that this process may occur spontaneously, outside of a spiritual practice or tradition, as well as erupt in a chaotic way even in the best of circumstances in an ashram or spiritual community.
When kundalini arises you are entering a new phase of development: in a way this is a de-volution, a kind of shedding of your old patterns, both emotional and physical. Your energy body is shifting, rewiring itself, dumping toxins, and creating new potentials for consciousness. This is as revolutionary for your system as was the move from childhood through puberty. Imagine if you had resisted puberty and tried to stay 12 years old forever, what extra stresses would you have had to face? It is much more helpful to feel willing and open to the transformation you are in.
It is important to find your own wisdom and guidance, tuning in to the energy itself, listening to the body and what it seems to need from day to day, slowing down and exploring what is authentic for you. This may change from day to day. There may be days when you find yourself weeping or reliving old memories. There may be days when the body feels open and blissful and all you care to do is dance and listen to inspiring music. There may be moments when rushes of heat overwhelm you, and other moments when you love everyone in the world. World news can cause despair, and yet you may weep for joy at the sight of a sunset. You may have no interest in food or sex for a few weeks, then a sudden voracious appetite. You will likely feel out of control at times. But hopefully there will be a small voice deep inside that reminds you on occasion that all will be okay. You are only in a process of opening and change.
The unexpectedness of yourself can be alarming – are you going crazy or dying? You have entered a world that is completely unknown. You may lose interest in old friendships. So often our friends are people with whom we share our stories and dramas, plan adventures, intellectualize and commiserate, or have a few drinks. Suddenly you may lose interest in these activities and so socializing feels like a pressure and a burden. Something inside is inviting you to be more alone, more quiet.
Kundalini energy is an accompaniment to psychic changes – that is, to new perspectives and patterns of consciousness. It is the rewiring of the system to bring awareness to the forefront, to allow presence and the essence of the moment to be more available. Mental activity and thought may take a backseat. So it is like a clearing and a reprogramming, most likely opening the creative and compassionate right brain which is often suppressed by the western emphasis on intellect.
The energy can cause a deep emptiness to open up along with “the cloud of unknowing” of which Christian mystics speak. To the extent you can release fear regarding all of this, listen to the most authentic voice within yourself, remove toxins and stressors from your diet and your life, and be open and curious even when the body is shaking or the heat is rising, you will find you can navigate through this process.
Is it a gift? It can be. If what you have longed for is a deeper connection to the root of life, the capacity to see through the convoluted thinking in yourself and others, to spontaneously be more in touch with compassion and love, and feel freedom from judgment and suffering, then you will find yourself joyful in being present in a place you never imagined you could be. You will feel free of the mental division that distressed you, and open to what each moment brings.
If you are expecting magic powers or power over others, popularity and wealth, perfect health and a life without any obstacles you will be disappointed.
Spiritual awakening does not change life itself – it changes how we interact and respond to what is. It provides a perspective that is inherently accepting and willing to be present where we are. It clears away the debris of conditioning.
This takes time, of course, and perhaps in some way the clearing away never ends, for as we become free of our own personal history we still have our human history, and our planetary history, to be transformed. But it is easier once there is a felt sense that underneath it all “I” am okay, connected to the whole, and life is flowing just as it is meant to be, like the river moving to the sea. You will find this “I” becoming more translucent or transparent, less attached to itself, and even momentarily dissolved so that you can come to understand yourself as One with all that is.